I will try to be brief, and as much as possible avoid the blame game and the drama. But, there has been some drama, so sorry if it comes across that way.
"Life is not a private affair. A story and its lessons are only made useful if shared. "
~ Dan Millman
The bottom line is that Don and I have separated. We were getting ready to fix up our RV and hit the road, all was going really amazing and great. We were in a funk but then we had one of those aha moments where we could see our way out of the funk. And then I found out that Don has been using drugs and lying to me about it. This has been an ongoing issue for us in our marriage. He wants the freedom to do what he wants without me freaking out and and trying to change him. I want a husband (and father to my kids) that keeps the promises he makes to us about his drug use.
Over the years, I have tried to be kind and give space to all of this. I have made excuses and worked hard to forgive and give him the benefit of the doubt, but there is only so much I can be okay with. And lying over and over again is not what I am okay with. So, me and the kids have moved in with my mom. It is hard. And awful. And sad. My heart is broken. I really thought we were doing great. I thought HE was doing great. But this addiction thing is winning right now. I hate it. I hate addiction. I hate that the drugs have become so important to him. I hate that my kids will be effected by all of this. I hate that I no longer have a partner in life, creating magic and awesomeness with me. I am sad. And angry. And Crushed.
I pray and hope that he will find his way and will make good, conscious choices in this life. I really, really don't want to make him out to be a bad guy. He's not. He just has issues with drugs and alcohol that he cannot control. Not right now. I hope some day he can and that he chooses to deal with all of this. I really do. For him. For our kids.
Don is a great guy, an amazing father. He loves our kids so much. He does and I know that. But, I also know that I needed to do what I felt was right - for me and for my children. So, here we are.
Here I am. Finding my own way. I have no idea what is going to happen. All I know is that the family I had and the life I've lived for the past 6 years is no more. It is time to reinvent, to create, to take care of myself. So, that is what I am focusing on.
My mom is being awesome and wonderful and so, so kind. She is letting us live here with her for as long as we need to, until we can find our own footing. I am going to go back to school. My mom gave up her office for me to have my own room. The kids already have theirs. I am working on creating a safe, comforting space for myself. I am putting attention on taking care of myself, nurturing myself, loving who I am. Getting connected to who I am and what I now want out of this life. I am focusing on who I need to be for my kids so that they are happy and healthy, no matter what happens with me and Don.
Re-inventing. I think I will take that as my theme word right now. Or maybe Re-discovering - Re-"me"ing.
***I wanted to edit this to say that Don is "just" smoking pot.. not doing crack or anything. But, the addiction thing is still that, no matter what. Drinking, or smoking pot or whatever really can be no big deal.. the deal breaker here has been they lying about it all. I just felt like I needed to say that so you don't think he is off shooting up in some alley or something. I do know sharing this here is a big deal and some people are not so sure that I should have. But, this is what I am dealing with right now.. what is in my space, and I really did need to just say it, out loud. ***